The Best Cooling Squishable

Walk or take my bike? Major in biomechanical nanomathgineering or picnic studies? Paper or plastic? I just can’t decide! In a world where choices manifest at every intersection and opportunity, it’s just so easy to…waffle! That’s where this particular Waffle comes in. For this Waffle does not waffle! It makes all decisions with the utmost confidence and resolve! YES, says the Waffle, I will spend all day reading a book in a sunny nook by the window! YES, I will slurp honey directly from the plastic bear! I will do all these things, and I won’t look back! Because I want to be as resolute as a Waffle, and because Waffles don’t have necks!

What’s the best way to eat pancakes? It’s a debate throughout the ages. In the Great Syrup Skirmish of 1840, the Syrup-Soakers squared off against the Syrup-Savers in one of the stickiest squabbles ever seen. This was only later eclipsed by the Fruit-On-Top’s versus the Just-Butter’s contest that forever changed culinary culture. After the great truce between the great House Flapjack and House Hotcakes, a peace has settled over the land. A land where breakfast lovers are free to eat their pancakes however they please. In this exciting world of innovation, the only limit is how high your imagination and pancake stack can soar!

Did you know it takes 400 cocoa beans to make one pound of chocolate? Fact! Did you know it takes 5 rolls of fluff, 100 fairy hugs, 40 and bushels of sparkles to make a Chocolate Bar? Also fact! ! ! How else do you think this Comfort Food Chocolate Bar got so soft and snuggly? Run your fingers through its unmeltable, chocolately softness. Rest your head on its fluffy pink coat. Dream sweet, sugary dreams.

Is this Avocado a superfood? Well, on one hand it doesn’t have the amino-monosaturated-riboflavoricious properties of an Avocado you might pick from a tree. You can’t smear it all over your face to improve collagen production. But so what? What this little cousin to the big Comfort Food Avocado lacks in organic chemistry, it makes up in longevity! This Avocado will never turn brown! It will always remain at the perfect level of softness no matter how long you leave it out on the counter! You can rest assured that while your roommate may snag it for some snuggles, he will not smoosh it up into guacamole! Probably!

Pineapples have nothing to do with pine trees, and they are very dissimilar to apples! We get it. Pineapples are so much more than just an inaccurate appellation! So what makes a pineapple a pineapple? Perhaps it’s their spiky exterior! Or their wonderfully sweet and loving fruit center! Or some combination thereof! Let’s get to know our friendly neighborhood Pineapple a little better! For example, did you know that Pineapples love hang gliding and spelunking?! Many of them are celebrated cobblers and watchmakers! When they’re not taking their private jets to go BASE jumping into an active volcano, they’re trying their hand at amateur rocketry or other fringe-science! So give a Pineapple a hug! Befriending a Pineapple will (probably) lead to wildly extravagant and over-the-top adventures! That are neither pine, nor apple-based! 15 squishy inches of ‘TOTALLY EXTREME.’ All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!

The storm is raging above your house! Thunder thunders! Lightning lightnings! Rain rains! But not to worry, you’re warm and cozy, cuddled up under a comforter, sipping a mug of hot cocoa in front of a toasty fire! It might seem like this Storm Cloud would prefer to join his louder cousins outside, but no! He wants to snuggle up with you…and maybe share your cocoa! Truth!

Psst, want a hot tip on a cold dish? Next time you’re in Tokyo, I know this awesome sushi place in rappongi! It’s hard to find: you have to enter through a mailbox and climb down a ladder. At the bottom, tell the Bouncer that you’re there to meet Hideki. Sounds complicated, but trust me, It’s worth it! Why? Because this isn’t so much a “sushi restaurant” As a “restaurant for Sushi!” Belly up to the bar and find a big Maki to pour your sake! Chat with the Yellowtail roll next to you about the best spot for karaoke! Most importantly, look for a fella named “ebi” – his name means “shrimp” – and give him a friendly hug! 15 squishy inches of very exclusive squish. All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!

All around the world, people get together to break bread! They do not break sea bass fillets, nor do they break pomegranates, however wonderfully messy that would be! That’s because Bread is the friendliest food there is! Bread says “welcome on board!” to any sandwich filling, from alfalfa sprouts to brisket! It sops up the last delicious drops of barbeque sauce or gravy with equal love! And of course, Bread loves you, too! So bring this loving little loaf into your life and give it a squeeze any time you need a little understanding. Your spirits will rise! 7 squishy inches of the yeast you can do! All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!

Hydrogen & oxygen! Birthdays & presents! Rainy days & twelve consecutive episodes of your favorite show about attractive vampires! Some things just go together. But there is one combination to which the rest of the pantheon of good combinations must bow down: Peanut Butter & Jelly! It’s all there: sweet meets salty, gooey meets…a different kind of gooey! And bread! Let’s not forget bread, for without it we would have to scoop it out of its sandwich bag with our hands. And that would waste a tremendous amount of P, B and/or J, and who wants that? Certainly not someone who can appreciate a great combo! Like you & this Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich! 18 squishy inches of fruit-legume-grain perfection. All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only! SAFETY NOTICE: Please do not cut off the crusts. We’re not that literal.

An adult male fox is a ‘Reynard’, a female is a ‘Vixen’, and a group of foxes is called a ‘skulk’, an ‘Earth’, or a ‘troop’ of foxes. All this just goes to show that people who make up labels are idiots, since none of these words even come close to the truth. A fox is awesome. A male fox is awesome, a female fox is awesome, and a group of foxes is just about the most awesome thing that could ever happen. No, foxes are so cute, I need a new label just to describe them. From now on, foxes are Awesomegreateriffic.